Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Easy is a relative term

I'm 10 days into my crazy pills, erm, Estrace, and so far so good. I think I've been very nice and able to handle my emotions well...I can't really say the same thing about the last 2 FET cycles! I've only cried at a few makeovers on What Not to Wear, Gossip Girl had me hunting down tissues, & well, I got a little misty-eyed when Barney looked so lovingly at Robin at the end of How I Met Your Mother (although, for the record, I think Ted and Robin belong together!). Seriously? I know! I also cried at Grey's and Private Practice last week, but, c'mon, they had dying kids on BOTH shows--it was warranted! Point being: a.) I watch way too much T.V. :) & 2.) I'm keeping my emotions least in public!

My friend "t.bird" made a comment in my previous post about haw much easier FETs are. And, I agree, in a way. All I have to do is pop some pills for a few weeks, get some b/w done and a lining check or two, start the PIO shot, and go have the embryos transferred. Yes-less shots, so fewer visits to the office, definitely not as bad on the wallet, but other things, not so easy. I have found myself to be so much more terrified this time around. I am hopeful, but the fact that a FET hasn't worked 2 previous times makes my heart pound harder and my stomach flip. The emotional part of the FET, to me, is much harder. Especially multiple cycles. My body has failed-3 times. That fact is hard to just brush aside! I was so hopeful and positive with my fresh IVF. I had no reason not to be! But, as I get ready for my fourth embryo transfer, I just get a sinking feeling. I think about it often, though I've tried to distract myself with the aforementioned T.V. shows, but the boob tube can only keep the thoughts away for so long. I know that God hears my cries, and all I can do is wait.

Sorry to be so down in the dumps, but that's how it is. It's hard. I want a baby so bad it hurts. Off to work on my patience... :) I'll leave you with a great verse I read this week. I'm working on really applying this thinking to my life!

"I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:12-13


t.bird said...

this t.bird i wise- lol.
and i know what you mean- the FET is much easier physically- but i was way more stressed with both of mine. i just couldn't believe they would work when my fresh one didn't- it made no sense.
but alot of girls seem to have success with the FET- maybe less stress on your body will provide a better environment? i don't know.

anyway- i'm praying your story is in line with Rebekah in Genesis- she was barren for a long time & then BAM- God blessed her with twins! the Lord is good like that :)

and yes- that means i'm wishing twins apon you!

stacey said...

The whole process is just so so hard, and whether fresh or frozen, it's hard to stay positive after so many attempts have not turned out the way we would have hoped.

I often find it hard to be optimistic, when the realist in my just wants to take over.

I hope your dreams are realized very very soon:-)

Rebekah said...

haha...I'll take the twins, but I just pray they get along better. And I won't be naming any baby Esau! :)

Megan said...

Good choice on skipping out on Esau--bad news. I was thinking about you this week as I was reading about Sarah & Abraham. Even after the Lord promised him a baby, it was almost 13 years until Sarah conceived...and she was super old. Plus she had waited a lifetime on a baby.Thats some patience! Surely the Lord has included those things in His word, for times such as these! Cling to His word! Love ya!

Hillary said...

(((hugs))) I don't know anything about IVF or FET cycles but it sure does sound hard. Praying for you Rebekah!

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry it's so hard. I can't even imagine being in your shoes....But I do know with so many let-downs how hard it is to stay positive.

Your verse is perfect....I'm praying for you!